Dear Sam & Zach,

Dear Sam & Zach,

I've been missing you both a great deal lately. Daily thinking to myself the following words, verbatim:

"I really miss Zach."

"I really miss Sam."

"I wish I had someone I could count on, like Sam."

"I wish I could find someone to love, like Zach."

It's been eating at me and I've been denying it, but today I saw the truth. I couldn't stop tearing up. I was downright weepy. I admitted to missing my little brother and had to hide my face even though the person I was talking to didn't hear me. I know they didn't hear me because they asked me to repeat it and I hid my face in the blankets because I'd begun crying.

And I do miss my brother. I miss him so much more than I ever have before, but that doesn't usually send me over my emotional precipice.

Something else is going on. And so I'm here to explore and admit that to you guys, even if it's just a way to admit it to myself.

I think I might be depressed. I laugh a lot and find a lot to be happy about, but I think maybe I've slipped into the disguise of someone who's not depressed. I think this happened recently.

I think this happened this weekend.

This weekend I voluntarily, yet still accidentally, walked in on my ex-boyfriend in bed with another woman. Now, theoretically, this is not a big deal. He and I don't date, I don't want to sleep with him, the thought really turns me off, I found the entire situation quite amusing, and I've slept with other people, too. Yet, there were some unexpected consequences I didn't foresee. Now, I feel almost a desperation. An unquenchable loneliness.

Here's my hypothesis:

I was faced with the fact that my ex-boyfriend no longer needed me to maybe get sex (he won't, but..he still thought he might up until that point. Actually, he might still think he can). I've been depending on him for friendship. The kind of friendship where I show up and he's available to comfort whatever it is I need comforting of. But, not anymore. I'm no longer allowed to just show up. (I probably never was.) I can no longer expect that just because I've called he can hang out. He is no longer free to be my...partner in crime. This is where I realize I've put not just Samantha, who I could always rely on seeing whenever I needed to and vice versa, but Zach, who comforted me through the toughest time (Samantha's death & subsequent depression), on Ben. Both of these qualities I need in people & I put all on Ben.

Boy, was that a dumb idea.


So now, this whole past weekend, these past 3 days, I have a deeper sense of loneliness, because Ben is no longer able to fulfill these needs I have. I cannot expect him to be there when I need him to be, just like he cannot expect me to sleep with him.

Conclusion:

I must learn to cope on my own. I cannot CANNOT keep calling on Ben when I feel lonely or anxious or uncertain. It's wrong for both of us. I temporarily find solace, but it's a shallow solace, one I know is offered in expectation of reciprocal favors and one that is quickly taken back due to a shrinking amount of patience.

It's obvious I'm not over the deaths of my past. It's obvious I'm haunted by the "what could have been"'s. It's quite clear that I am anxious to find my future, to see my life settle back into the confident comfort I once knew pre 2010. These things together combine to create a volatile compound of impatience and dependence.

I like to call it tenacity, but it's really just impatience & dependence.

So. Here's to a place to release these depreciating emotions so that I can hopefully move forward & find myself....

Again.

You both were the best people of my life. I can never forget you. I don't want to.

Love,
Juliana